


I Love you

by Platinum_Zero_ENTP



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season 15 Ending, Angst, Character Study, F/M, Happy Ending, M/M, relationship sutdy, this was fluff now its a bit angsty, valentines fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-16 01:14:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29445399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Platinum_Zero_ENTP/pseuds/Platinum_Zero_ENTP
Summary: Dean reflects on all the times he could have said I love you, and the one time he needs to.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Dean/Cas, Dean/Castiel, Destiel, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester, saileen
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	I Love you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Broadwaylover101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broadwaylover101/gifts).



Dean finally realized that he was in love with his best friend. He wasn’t sure at first what kind of love. At first, Castiel had become Cas, a good friend, the kind of family that you take care of. Then Cas betrayed his trust and he was unsure where they stood, yet he still cared in some deep profound way as their undying connection of devotion fizzled between them. They found forgiveness in each other's mistakes and grew closer in purgatory. His love became selfless, and he needed Cas in a way he’s never needed anyone outside of his own family. He was afraid of how badly he needed someone, how much he was willing to sacrifice for another person that was not of his blood. No reason he had to care other than pure desire and admiration.

In truth, he loved him very differently, with a need and yearning. Even though he held Cas in his arms in purgatory, he felt so far away, an empty embrace with the ghost of Castiel’s touch. He could fall to his knees and pray for Cas to hear his rushed and needy words of devotion, without him hearing what he needed to say. Unspoken words he could not dare utter.

Dean began to fall into this holding pattern with Cas where they kept fighting each other, but ultimately forgiving each other. A mutual understanding of what they did that came from a place of love. Even in their darkest moments.

Cas held a knife to Dean, his green eyes reflecting onto the blade. It took him far too long to realize. They could have been together all this time. He loved Cas. He needed to say it. His first reaction was to reach desperately out to Cas. Despite that, his touch was light and hesitant. “I know you're In there”. Castiel raises his blade to strike, Dean doesn’t flinch back trusting in Cas. He speaks calmly, trying to get his words to reach him. He hoarsely growled out to Cas, his body still bloody and beaten, small compared to the soldier of heaven who towered above him. “We're family, we need you!” He paused and added more quietly “I need you.”

He gritted his teeth and looked into Castiel's blue eyes pleading. He hoped he would understand and his silent prayer would reach him, and breakthrough heaven’s control. Dean meant a thousand times I love you but knew not how to say it. Even when it meant his life was on the line from his dearest friend Castiel.

Cas dropped the blade and fell into Dean. Dean held him, his eyes wet with tears. Something reached his angel, but he didn’t know if his love truly reached him.

Next thing Dean knew he was in the chapel confession booth. He stared down at his hands. He moved his hand to his shoulder tracing his Handprint. He bares his soul to the priest and he speaks, “You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.” He breathes deeply, sighing. 

All he could think of were Castiel's bright blue staring back at him with his curious looks, and goofy smile. He loved him so much, but even in the face of death he could not tell him. This confession would never see the light of day. All he could do was pass on subtle hints and gifts showing how he felt. When Cas tried to return the mixtape, he couldn't even bear to look at him. It was as if Cas was rejecting his feelings. He choked a bit at the thought. He could not live with the idea that Cas may not love him in the same way. He would rather die with every unsaid feeling, than lose whatever he does have with Cas.

Dean began to wonder if that was fair to Castiel as he lay dying in front of him. To have never given him the chance to return his feelings. Castiel muttered through labored breaths choking on his own blood as he laid on the couch. “I love you.” Dean's breath hitched and Cas continued, “I love all of you.” Dean looked away, unable to watch him die, still unable to say how he feels in the face of death once more.

Dean feels like a child once more unable to speak. His father was screaming at him to say something, anything. He stands there shaking, needing to speak, but completely, unable frozen in place. Cas was dying and he had nothing to say. He choked back a sob.

Thankfully Castiel recovered. Only to die sometime later. His wings burned into the sand, making small glass crystals that reflected the moonlight. Dean is now on his knees. He finally cries as every moment and every word between them falls on him; each of his memories, every missed opportunity. He never got to say it. He never told him. Cas died thinking he was unloved. A small frustrated scream escapes his lips into the silent night. Eileen pulls him back from the body and he turns away frozen looking and the dead body of his soulmate. 

Dean felt it, the bond they always had between them was broken. Castiel was truly gone this time. The handprint on his shoulder now faded away. More tears fall down his face. He wants to scream it into the heavens. I love you, I love you, I love you. He could only pray to whatever dark, and quiet place Castiel was in now, hoping he could hear him. He walks into the house and finds the demon’s spawn inside. Sam holds a crying baby. He knows that thing, is what Cas loved more in this world than him, but it took Cas from him. It could only be pure evil if it took that kind of light out of this world.

Soon the child grew on Dean, as he saw little things in them that reminded him of Cas. From his smile to his goofy nature. He could not hate the child. His grief overtook him, and he soon realized if he hated this child, he would be no better than his father.

By some miracle, Castiel returned and everyone finally seemed to find some peace and quiet. God was still missing but everything was quiet. There weren't any apocalypses and there weren't many cases.

Yet for some reason, Dean just felt empty. Every situation had come and gone, and yet he had never found any real standing with Cas. Dean was finishing his 7th empty beer and shot glasses lay strewn on the table. Dean sat in the chair, the liquor now filling him with the warmth he lacked from Castiel's touch.

Eileen came over and cleaned up all the empty bottles and glasses. Soon she stood their arms crossed staring at a very sleep-deprived and drunk dean. Eileen spoke up, she moved her hands singing, and spoke to the best of her ability, “you need to tell him.”

Dean sat up swaying a bit. He grunted and ignored her looking for his next bottle, which was now conveniently gone. He looked back to Eileen. Dean spoke, making sure to annunciate with his lips, “tell who what?”

Eileen shook her head and handed Dean her phone with a video explaining how to sign I love you in ASL.

Dean shook his head, “I may as well tell him in Spanish.”

Eileen pointed at both her eyes and then back at Dean as if to say, she’s watching him. Dean groans and curls up with the phone actually considering it. He passes out soon after.

Castiel and Sam come in some time later, hands full of groceries. They bring the bags into the kitchen and drop off the food. Sam shouts, “Dean we brought you a pie!”

Castiel yells out, “and cake.”

Neither of them hears a response, only to find Dean asleep on the couch in the common room. Castiel shakes his head, walks over, and with two fingers he eases the intoxication, making tomorrow's hangover much easier. Sam hands him a blanket, and Castiel throws it over Dean tucking him in. Castiel wants to walk away, but he decides to sit on the couch with him. Castiel looks up at Sam pleadingly, Sam nods and goes to the kitchen to unpack. Eileen is already in there, and she smiles as Sam comes in. She holds up a pack of margarita candies, shaking the bag of them. Sam kisses her on the cheek quickly and they get to work.

Castiel looks on in admiration and looks down at Dean. He brushes some hair to the side. He pulls Dean into his lap, and with a Woosh sound, his wings appear and wrap around Dean comfortingly. Castiel’s hand strokes over Dean’s newly returned handprint. It seems to lightly flicker at his touch with little green sparks. They remind Cas of Dean’s soul.

Suddenly Dean grabs onto Castiel’s smooth silky feathers, and Castiel Jumps a bit in shock and excitement. It was an intimate gesture, but Castiel remembered that Dean did not know that, and he was heavily under the influence. Just having Dean up into him in his very human way was enough to make Castiel feel at peace. He hopes he could finally just be happy in the being for once.

Dean wakes up feeling something soft and ticklish against his cheek. He pushes himself up only to see him and Cas, asleep cuddling on the couch. Carefully Dean moves Cas’s wing off him and he jumps up blushing. He walks away quickly denying yet another opportunity to finally say, three little words. A million small moments, but never enough words for those moments.

Dean leaves Castiel on the couch and heads over knocking on Eileen’s door. Eileen lets him in immediately when she sees the tears in his eyes. They talk and Dean explains how he was mute for a time as a child. Eileen hugs him after this, the two reach a level of understanding now between them. The next few weeks the two work on getting Dean to learn some basic ASL, especially I love you. Dean gets frustrated easily, but Eileen’s positive reinforcement finally seems to get them somewhere. They set a goal for Valentine's Day, and it looks like Dean may reach it.

However, their lessons come to an abrupt halt as Chuck begins causing havoc once more. Disaster strikes. People start disappearing and all Dean can think about is his family disappearing.

Castiel is speaking but the words don’t even seem to register for Dean. All he can hear is the knocking on the door and his heart beating in his chest. He hears the words but he knows this is goodbye. He does not want to hear goodbye. He wants to hear I love you too every single morning he wakes up next to Cas. Because Castiel is right he is not damaged. He can say it. He-

Castiel says “I love you dean” and time seems to stop. Castiel Loves Dean Winchester. Before Dean can respond Castiel shoves him out of harm's way protecting him one final time. The empty swallows Cas in its dark depths, leaving Dean alone.

Completely.

Utterly.

Alone.

Dean curls up on the floor and begins to cry. He finally says aloud all too late, “I love you.” over and over. Yet Castiel can no longer hear him. His handprint is gone once more. His prayers for his angel, go on unanswered ears.

He was finally ready, but he never got his chance.

He never had his “day of love”, his moment to love Castiel in their own little profound way. Being was not enough for him like it was Cas. He had enough taken from him that he needed that love he gives for all these years to be returned to him without someone dying. He deserves to be loved. 

He is not a killer. He takes Castiel's words to heart and lets Chuck live. Jack is now God but claims that his interference would offset the balance as it did last time. The only way someone can leave the empty is if they can truly live among humanity. Jack then says to Dean, “If you love him, you need to bring him back to us.”

Dean speaks up, “I love him.”

Everyone looks at him shocked, except Eileen who looks on at him proudly, Dean states firmly, “I am done being afraid. I love Castiel and that’s all there is to it. So Jack, can I tell him?”

Jack smiles and his eyes glow bright gold, a portal rips open, Dean runs in ready to face Castiel. Jumping through the portal he felt his handprint burn into him once more. On the other side, it now glowed bright green. As Seraphina told him, it’s the color of his soul. He looked everywhere around him and under him. Most places he had visited had some vein of existence, some form of life to them. This place was endless and... Empty. A void of pure nothingness. Walking made Dean nauseous as he could not tell up from down.

He stumbled around looking for Castiel. Little did he know he was making a lot of noise. Soon the empty came billowing toward him in a ball of black goo. Dean held his hand up to protect himself, but from his shoulder green light poured out scaring the goo away.

Dean looked around, and it was gone, so he continued his search. He stumbled over countless bodies. It hurt when he walked over the bodies of those he knew personally. He gave soft goodbyes to Crowley, Meg, Balthazar, and Gabriel when he passed them. 

Finally, he stumbled upon someone lying in a trench coat. Ghostly and white, with his black wings now a pale sickly grey. He scooped up his angel in his arms and whispered, “Sunshine, I need you to come back to me.” Castiel did not stir, remaining cold and motionless. Tears streamed down Dean’s face as he held the angel closer. He started singing in choked sobs.

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.  
Take a sad song and make it better.  
Remember to let him into your heart,  
Then you can start to make it better.

He begged Cas now… “Please, Cas come back.” As Dean shifted Cas he felt the angel’s arm brush against his handprint. With a flash of blue and green, he was now in Castiel's memories. He could see himself, and all the times he held regret of not saying I love you. Purgatory, the tomb… he closed his eyes unable to watch anymore.

He heard an odd whisper in his ear. It was breathy and high and almost sounded a bit like Cas.

“Dean Winchester, incapable of love. Lacking humanity more than all the angels in here combined. Nothing but daddy's blunt little instrument. Castiel was never afraid of love. He told you over and over, and over yet you rejected him, every single time. Who would want to come back to humanity, if it has nothing to offer. Castiel felt so much of your world, yet you feel so little. Completely incapable of love. If you just keep your eyes closed and your mouth shut, you can sleep here forever and ever next to your angel.”

The voice suddenly became feminine and he could feel his mother’s presence as she sang.

Carry on, my wayward son  
There'll be peace when you are done  
Lay your weary head to rest  
Don't you cry no more

Dean felt drowsy, and his eyes stayed closed. Until he heard a voice. A song actually. It sounded like his mother but more fierce. It sounded more real and unfiltered.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.  
You have found him, now go and get him.  
Remember to let him into your heart,  
Then you can start to make it better.

Dean opened his eyes. Castiel stood in front of him, he walked over and held Dean’s hands. He stood there quietly waiting for Dean to speak.

Dean tried to speak, his words caught in his mouth. He was shaking so afraid to speak. He bit his lip and moved his hands up. As he signed the words in ASL he spoke aloud, “I love you”. By the time he finished, he was shaking like a leaf. Castiel pulled him into a hug.

Dean blinked and suddenly Castiel was in his lap once more. His color seemed to return, and he looked so full of life. Suddenly his wings began to fade away, blowing like ash.

Dean croaked, “your wings.”

Castiel shook his head, “it feels as if a weight has been taken off me. I was never part of heaven. I always belonged with humanity.” He pauses and whispers, “with you.”

Dean says once more with conviction, this time without using his hands. “I love you.”

Castiel smiles and brings him into a kiss. Their souls both emit bright lights of green and blue. Suddenly they are back on earth. Castiel pulls back but Dean holds on tightly. They look around and they are in the bunker now. 

Eileen, Sam, and Jack are all eating salads. They all look stunned at the two men in front of them. Sam speaks up to the both of them, “You're alive? You were both gone for months!” Sam hugs his brother then Cas. Eileen and Jack follow suit with the hugs. Eileen even gives Dean a thumbs up and he smiles proudly.

Jack then speaks to Sam, “I told you time works differently there.” Sam nods having experienced hell.

Dean speaks up, “so when is it?”

Eileen laughs and answers, “Valentine's day!”

Dean blinks, “I missed my birthday?”

Everyone starts laughing at Dean including Castiel who then looks up at his eyes bright. Dean smiles at him and then looks at Eileen. “I guess I did make our deadline!”

Eileen bumps him in the shoulder as if to say I knew you could.

Castiel pulls Dean toward him and declares, “Valentine’s, your birthday, any day…. I will always love you.”

Dean smiles and says,  
“I love you.”

From that day forth Dean Tells Cas he loves him.  
Every.  
Single.  
Day.


End file.
